Stop Smoking, Start Chewing

Newspapers report, gleefully, that American smoking rates have plummeted to levels not seen since the 1950s. Researchers credit the massive public health campaign that began 20 years ago, the multi-billion dollar tobacky settlement (which raised both awareness and cigarette prices), and the smoking bans cities and states have enacted.

I've got another hypothesis: Nicotine gum. I quit smoking months ago-- which I'm quite happy about-- but my Nicorette consumption has spiraled out of control. I pound at least a dozen pieces a day-- more when I'm working on a paper-- which means I'm taking in much more nicotine than I ever did when I smoked. I'm like a former junkie addicted to meth.

And it's not just me. Check out this concerned wife, who complains that her erstwhile smoker spouse has a tizzy when he doesn't have his gum. Last year, I took two classes from a professor who popped the junk like no one's business. (But only in his long, long classes, when he couldn't take a real smoking break outside.) And a friend from New York-- who has his MD-- got hooked on the stuff even though he's never had a cigarette.

Maybe I should bring a class action lawsuit against GlaxoSmithKline, which boasts that its gums are softer, mintier and easier to chew than any others.

Oh, God, Nicorette is turning me into an ambulance chaser!